Aeronautic Primates and Other Delights

Okay, long story short, I have a DOA: Dead or Alive poster up in my room. I don't even remember how or where I got it. But I figured in fairness, I should probably see the movie. So I am. Right now. And blogging it. Because I can.


* Dopey anti-smoking commercial before the movie. Someone cool must smoke in the movie.

* Trailer for Black Sheep. Baaaaa.

* Red Line. Couldn't look lamer. And the trailer is like "la di dah, here's our hero... btw, we kill him early on. Here's your new hero! Sorry we didn't have any real footage of him earlier."

* The Ex -- oh Braff. Why?

* Let's all put on our deep movie trailer voice for ... what the hell is the movie called? It'd be nice to know. It's Asian and there's explosions. And one man has... the courage... to survive. And there's some two guns whilst jumping through the air action, but really not that interesting otherwise. Ah. Born to Fight. In a 2-disc ultimate edition. I think perhaps DVD companies have lost sight of the world "ultimate"

* Menu! Finally. And it's nothing but babes, babes, babes. Wise.

* This opening reminds me of the MST3K doors from some reason. How appropriate.

* Wow, this acting is really awful. Devon Aoki was wise to keep mostly mum during Sin City.

* Oooh illogical zing from Devon Aoki.

* Thank you for the quick and pointless definition of the word "shinobi".

* What the fuck purple hair.

* Stilted dialogue + stilted delivery = ouchie to my ears.

* "I'm your servant, but if you leave, I'm honor bound to kill you." Seriously... wtf?

* Nearly faster than a speeding katana!

* And we just found out via the automated parasail backpack and digital flying invitation (to what we do not know yet) that this is all taking place in the now. So the question is this -- if Kasumi is a shinobi ninja princess, what is she shinobi ninja princess of? It's obviously not an island, because her little citadel thingamajig is on the highest cliff ever. And why is she surrounded by a million ninja warriors? And why can't she leave if she's the freakin' ruler? I should just not ask these questions...

* Ah, Jamie Pressly. You are the hotness. God bless the stars and stripes bikini you're wearing.

* They just namechecked Des Moines. Bonus points.

* Jamie is really toned. Goes with the tan.

* Random incompetent pirates!

* Tina (Jamie Pressly) is a superstar pro wrestler, apparently.

* And this one -- the thief, I think. (yup -- assassin and master thief) -- they're definitely playing the cute but dangerous Britishness.

* On yeah, this is going to be one of those competition movies -- where the competitors have to do stupid things like parachute onto the island without warning just to get in.

* They're not even being particularly cool about defying physics. It's just like -- yeah, they're on wires. Whatever.

* The compound on the island where the tournament is being held is clearly bigger on the inside.

* THE MASTER! Ah, Eric Roberts, please tell me you're evil.

* The camera moves lovingly over the girls' well-clothed curves. It seems pervier because it's PG-13 somehow.

* Start a contestant database? You'd think they'd've set that up *before* the tournament.

* Montage of preparations... One of the contestants is seen everywhere on their skates. What's her fighting style?

* It's not really a "Dead or Alive" tournament if the loser is simply knocked out.

* Hahaha. The "control room" tracks the energy and stamina of the fighters as little green bars that decrease as the fighter gets more damaged. At least they're being true to their source?

* Random heroism flashback. Kasumi misses her brother.

* Eric Roberts is definitely evil. He hasn't done anything specifically evil yet, but he's got a vibe.

* Rose petals in the bath. American Beauty reference (see random).

* Oh, Devon... shut up. Please, don't speak. You're not very good at it.

* Why does the only black guy have to be a total douchebag? Seriously. And he has terrible hair.

* Musclebound badass(?) Leon's arm muscles sound like guns cocking when flexed. Who thought this was a good idea?

* The arc of the violent projectile bowl doesn't make sense.

* WTF PG-13 full frontal male nudity?!?

* Rampant lesbian subtext. Why am I not surprised?

* And a volleyball scene. They really are determined to be faithful to the source.

* I love how henchmen never sound the alarm... Wait, there we go. They at least tried for it.

* Honor is stupid.

* Waitaminute. Now I know why dorky guy is all freakin' wrong. He's the redneck son-in-law from "Reba". We can all just forget that I know that, 'kay?

* Did they seriously just use a tweety bird noise to indicate a stunning punch. Oh the fuck no.

* It's the requisite slo-mo fighting in the rain sequence! Okay, maybe not requisite.

* Wait, the fuck? The assassin/thief feels really guilty about winning a knock-down fight that, uh, she was there to do? The fuck?

* Roberts IS evil! Sweet.

* "Now that I have your attention, let me introduce you to... the future." Enter sunglasses on a pedestal. The future is being underwritten by Ray-Ban?

* Dude, Eric Roberts is downloading ultimate fighting skill into his brain. Cue super hubris.

* Wait, where did the purple-haired chick get off to?

* Eric Roberts is now going to start kung fu fighting. His kicks, I presume, will be as fast as lightning.

* What style is that? Kooey-kooey?

* Okay... so Eric Roberts plan is to become a super badass fighter. What next? Guest hosting on Leno?

* Oh there you are purple-haired lady.

* Dude. This vault's opening mechanism is a sliding puzzle. What is this? Myst the movie?

* Ah he's selling to several world powers. In very silly places.

* "Oh no this is not good. ... I have to stop him." Screenwriters -- why?

* And now hacker guy is visiting the CIA website to let them know about the deal. Do they have a form? "Reporting terrorism? Please enter your name, email address, location of the terrorist act, and the amount of collateral damage anticipated."

* Waaaaait. Eric Roberts's superwarrior program is less effective against the people he hasn't downloaded? That's fairly useless.

* The compound has both an irreversible self-destruct sequence and escape hatches. Was he anticipating James Bond?

* And everybody has a happy "I has a boyfriend" ending. Except Jamie Pressly.

* Produced by Paul W.S. Anderson. That explains... so much.