Aeronautic Primates and Other Delights

Title: Charles Gunn Explains How It Is in 70 Questions or Less
Author: Jetpack Monkey
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Charles Gunn somehow survives the whole being perilously close to death thing and decides to hook up with the Watchers' Council. Their psych eval might give him second thoughts.
Disclaimer: Charles Gunn belongs to Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy, and Fox Television. He does not belong to me.
Author’s Note: This is all nemo_gravis's fault.


Charles Gunn found himself in the worst kind of room for taking a psych evaluation. Empty walls, no windows, and a severe sort of grey stagnating over everything. He shook his head, broke the seal on his booklet with his pen, and began.

1. DO YOU SNORE?

Uh, what? I don't really know. Never been awake to find out.

2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?

Fighter, first and foremost. On the street, in the courtroom, don't matter. That's not to say that I don't have love for the ladies, though. I got my talents.

3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?

Rats. Creepy motherfuckers.

4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?

... Next question.

5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?

Don't really know. Never had much time for TV. The only Survivors I gotta worry about are me and mine.

6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?

No.

7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?

Hell yes. Cutest damn baby you ever saw, yo.

8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?

Given that the last girl I dated seriously turned into some kinda demon-god? Uh, yeah. Pretty much.

9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?

Black.

10. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

I am the very model of a modern major general. Jay-Z. Straight up.

11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?

Realize I spent my entire life fighting vamps and demons, aight? Bungee jumping's a luxury I don't got. Couple times I tied a rope to my waist and leapt off a building. That shit burns, though.

12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?

Jury selection. Encyclopedic knowledge of Frank Miller comics. I make pancakes.

13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?

Anywhere but LA.

14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?

I prefer Arsenio.

15. CAN YOU SWIM?

When I gotta.

16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?

Does it have Denzel? No? Then what do you think?

17. DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?

Hell yeah. Ozone cracks open means that much more sunlight roastin' vamps. Of course, might kill the rest of us, too, but how much more time you really think we have anyway?

18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE ROLL POP?

Never tried. Always gotta get to the chocolatey center.

19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?

Yes.

20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?

Up until now I've never been out of LA.

21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?

... Movin' on.

22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?

Electric. I used to have a robot with one in its belly on my shelf. Spoils of evil.

23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?

Point me to the vamp nest.

24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?

Yeah, kinda hope so.

25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

It got a little too formal for me after some changes got made. So no.

26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?

Stupid questions.

27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?

There mighta been an uncomfortable moment in the alley. Angel Illyria and I don't talk about it.

28. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE?

You know he is.

29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?

People tend to die around me, well before they got a chance to get hitched.

30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

Sunny-side up.

31. ARE BLONDES DUMB?

You met Harmony?

32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?

Some things that even I can't answer.

33. WHAT TIME IS IT?

4:30. It ain't late. Nah, nah. It's just early, early, early.

34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?

Always been Gunn. Always will be Gunn.

35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?

It works.

36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR, AND WHO WERE YOU WITH?

Drivin' here with that Andrew kid.

37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?

Showers. Baths are luxuries for people who don't know the score.

38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?

What kinda dumbass motha do you take me for?

39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?

You know it. Quid pro quo.

40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?

Now that'd be inconvenient.

41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?



42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?

Smooth, yo.

43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?

Can I crack yours?

44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?

More than I'd like.

45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?

Once this mornin'.

46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?

More things on heaven and earth than a damn fix. Get it outta your system and start checkin' in with reality.

47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?

Can't afford to be.

48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?

You wanna look?

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?

No.

51. DO YOU HAVE ANY TATTOOS OR PIERCINGS?

I'm startin' to think that ya'll are just messin' with my head.

52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?

Hell no.

53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"?

When would I have the time for that?

54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?

I guess I'm playin' the fool here.

55. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?

Yes.

56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?

Never been anywhere that I could find that out.

57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?

I lived in the ghettos. Life was urban camping.

58. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?

No.

59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?

Yeah. Don't mean I like it.

60. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND?

An axe is a man's best friend.

61. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?

If you gotta, you gotta.

62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?

Uh, take the fifth.

63. DO YOU MAKE MANY MISTAKES?

Too many.

64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?

Yeah, it was a little chilly, I guess.

65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?

Shitty airplane meal. Tasty mint, though.

66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?

No.

67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED?

*smirk* The question is, who's been lucky enough to get kissed by me?

68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?

Anything with Wayne Brady.

69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?

Seems I made the jump from second-hand FUBU to Armani and back. American Eagle wasn't on the trip.

70. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT?

Uh... The Fugees. Yeah.

Gunn hits the buzzer that let's them know he's done. He shoves the test at the nervous young Watcher who comes to collect him. "Next time, gimme something that ain't a waste of my time, yo. Now, what's a brother gotta do to get somethin' to eat around here?"